Suburban Cones

For a fairly small city, Agawam seems to have a disproportionate number of cones. This is at least partly due to the recent road work on our main street (which, creatively, is named Main Street), but there are always a few others that pop up elsewhere. Those that seem interesting end up here.

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  Okay: it's summer, your town has become the site of the newest branch of Six Flags, and people are flooding in. Is it a good idea to tear up your main road? Apparantly so, because that's exactly what our town is doing.

  (Actually, this picture was taken fairly early on; it got a lot worse later. At one point, they were actually digging about two feet away from people's houses. Depending upon how one looks at it, it's either fortunate or unfortunate that they didn't end up breaking a sewer pipe or something.)

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  "WARNING! PVC PIPE! EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! AND THE GRASS IS DANGEROUS TOO! JUST STAY AWAY!"

  (What, exactly, is this cone supposed to be warning against? If you can't see the huge machine there, you won't be able to see the cone either...)

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  While urban cones tend to be nomadic, cones in suburban areas usually find homes into which they settle down.

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  Even better than dogs, domesticated guard cones can protect your home from anyone with a phobia of orange rubber.

  (The way this house is positioned makes it look like some sort of separatist compound, but it's really not. As far as I know, that is...)

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  Most breeds of cones are fiercely territorial. They often build their nests in public places like parking lots out of whatever is available, and will defend them to the death.

  (Only at a McDonald's would someone first manage to miss the dumpster by about fifty feet, and then put up a cone to protect their mistake. The sheer stupidity makes one wonder why more of the employees don't end up drowning in the French fry cookers.)

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  Even in smaller towns, one of the most likely ways for a cone to die is to be run over by a car. Wary of any approaching vehicles, this cone wisely looks around before crossing the street.

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  Although tensions are not as high as they were in Boston, cones and barrels are still not on the best of terms. During an encounter, one cone is gunned down...

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  ...but its companions later catch up with the offending barrel and avenge their fallen friend.

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  After sniffing around the area, this cone finds a place to make his new nest. The large tree will help protect it, and building materials (seen on the left) are conveniently close by.

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  Although initially promising, attempts to give cones the ability to walk has met with failure. Here, a cone is unable to control his new legs and plows into a pile of blue styrofoam sheeting.

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  Just outside its trapdoor-spider-like nest, a cone basks in the warm summer sunlight.

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  Prowling around alertly, this cone guards its hoard of plastic tubing from scavengers.

The Life Cycle Of Cones

Here at a small local farm, one can see the entire life cycle of cones. Obviously, such a useful peek into their origins must be documented, and I have done so here.

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  Cones begin life by growing like fruit on bushes of orange plastic known as conemesh. An expanse of this plant is being cultivated here.

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  After reaching maturity, young cones are picked and then placed into rearing pens. Here, an adult cone rests after a long day of protecting its young charges.

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  During the warm daylight hours, the juvenile cones are let out to play. Above, two young cones play in the mud while their guardian looks on protectively.

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  Even when stuck indoors, growing cones manage to stave off boredom. The cone hiding here is playing hide-and-seek with its companion. The only reason it hasn't been found yet is that cones have no eyes, and therefore cannot see very well.

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  After a day of playing with its friends, this cone curls up for a nap under a blanket of plastic sheeting.

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  When properly fed and cared for, full-grown cones can reach very large sizes.

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  After becoming adults, cones must leave home to seek jobs just as humans do. Here, two cones are being driven to Springfield, where they will most likely seek employment in the construction industry.

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  Sadly, not all cones live to reach maturity. This cone was fatally sunburned, and futilely seeks shelter in the shade of its progenitor conemesh bush.